The Vault: "The Third Example"

My first "professionally" published short story.

I was in grad school from 1997 to 2002, and this ended up being my first official short story publication - not in a school mag - after sending out over 100 submissions in two years. In fact, this was closer to 200. A small magazine called Crimestalker Casebook picked it up in 1999, published it in 2000, and I was off to the races. The acceptances began to slowly trickle in, then rush in, then in a tidal wave (although one could say the rejections were still a Biblical flood, so…).

THE THIRD EXAMPLE

…In a case similar to the second example, Rhett X was also obsessive-compulsive, a deeply religious Baptist, but not divorced. His wife had learned to avoid touching his stacks of papers, books, tabloids, or his collection of nearly two thousand Country & Western record albums. He arranged these items in vertical stacks against a far wall in his study, a room with a bare floor and single couch facing the window. He refused to buy shelves or bookcases. His stereo system was set in the middle of the room, plugged into an orange extension cord to a socket eight feet away.

This room was where he spent hours after returning home from his job at the Department of Parks and Recreation involved in “study,” he said, although we at the Institute never discovered what academic value could be found in listening to Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues” seventy times in a row.

His system of ordering the records, books, articles – practically anything with a title he owned – was extensive alphabetization, starting with author/artist’s last name, then first name (and middle, if available), then title, then publisher or record label. He used a similar system for his clothing, arranged according to color, also alphabetically, then designer, manufacturer, and type of fabric.

It took nearly an hour every morning for Rhett to inspect his 1995 Buick Century before driving to work. This included checking tire pressure, all the fluids and belts under the hood, the paint job for scratches and rust, the windows for hairline cracks or pits, and the mirrors for if he had bacon in his teeth. He scoured every seat scanning for dirt, dust, and crumbs of food (although no one was allowed to eat in the car, and passengers were required to wipe the soles of their shoes thoroughly before being allowed inside).

As for the religious aspects of his OCD, Rhett X owned four Bibles, all full of notes scribbled in the margins on morality, grace, decrees on The Law, and his theory that the Holy Trinity is never mentioned in the Bible, but there was evidence for a five-fold Godhead. With a razorblade and Super Glue, he rearranged the individual books of both Testaments thematically when alphabetizing proved “stupid.”

His condition degraded when his OCD, combined with a dormant sociopathic gene that had been reawakened by, we believe, cinnamon oatmeal, led him to systematic murder. Using the Bible verse Matthew 19:30 – “But many who are first shall be last, and many who are last will be first” – Rhett started with the Z’s in the phone book and worked backwards.

In contrast to the murderer from example two, Rhett wasn’t worried about cleanliness or contamination. He only wanted his victims dead in a certain order. He used a variety of methods, including stabbing, shooting, poisoning, and strangling, but preferred savagely beating the living daylights out of most. He was arrested while dismembering his twelfth victim, a pharmacist named Don Ziegler, at which time Rhett X was brought to the Institute’s attention.

We used a modified version of the Turner Diet with Rhett, one more focused on poultry than the variant in example two, with fewer fluids than the original as well. We were forced to adjust the menu twice, each time after Rhett murdered a presiding doctor. Actually, the second killing was committed with just a spoon. Although quite impressive, whole grain cereal was immediately removed from his breakfast options.

We saw remarkable improvement within six months, with his obsessive quirks subsiding from homicidal to merely annoying. In our extensive series of interviews with Rhett, he gave conflicting motives for his killing spree. He cited his need for a smaller phone book (to help balance his stacks), the fear of overpopulation, a hatred of “dirty immigrants,” and a mostly unbelievable rant about “a voice in his head” demanding he kill. We concluded this last one was Rhett’s idea of humor.

The authorities were willing to show Rhett some leniency in order to see if the Turner Diet, combined with our behavior therapy, was effective in his rehabilitation. His wife also agreed to giving him another chance, and was instructed on how to stridently enforce adherence to the diet.

The result was a resounding success…for about a week.

On a recent Saturday morning, Rhett leapt from the couch in his study where he’d been listening to a Bill Monroe album since four a.m., joined his wife in the kitchen and proceeded to kill his wife with a spatula. He then methodically removed her internal organs and arranged them alphabetically on the back porch.

We are unsure what led to this unfortunate event, but we have several theories. One is that he attempted to pick up where he left off on his phone book work. While his wife’s married surname was “X,” her maiden name was “Yzouss.” Our second theory is that she replaced a borrowed Dolly Parton album incorrectly. Of course, the most likely theory is that the murder stemmed from the stress of a twenty-five year marriage.

Rhett X’s case has helped us at the Institute determine that the key to the Turner Diet’s success is a massive amount of fluids.

Respectfully submitted,

Dr. A and Dr. B.